what happens when love is incompatible with life

What are the lessons in a relationship where the love is strong and amazing, yet there are circumstances that will forever keep the two people apart? Is it past relationships that have repercussions into the new relationship, is it age, is it distance?

I have recently felt this loss, where the love was incredible, yet the situation would never be one where we could be together. With the realization that things could never work, I think I broke my own heart.

I have a friend, her true love and father to her children lives apart from them in a once war torn country. They are separated by distance and duty, their daughters will never really know their father and perhaps she will never know another true love.

It is sad for me to know and experience these stories of love lost and I wonder:

What is the lesson and what is gained from our inability to experience that reciprocated love every day?

Do Men Teach Men to be Better Men or Do Women?

I would like to know what other folks think about this. In part, because as any individual, my observations are limited to the circle and the community I am a part of and that usually in some way reflects what I believe.

My personal observation is that women teach men about women. And, they teach them how to treat women from a very young age. I have noted in my circle that boys raised by single women often are better gentlemen. Because single moms often expect their sons to share in household responsibilities they are more comfortable doing things that were once, and in some cases, considered women's work.

Beyond these superficial aspects of household contributions, which are nonetheless important, without the buffer of a husband, a son sees how women respond to life's victories and its challenges. Single parenting isn't easy and these boys often grow up with an appreciation of women's contributions. They see the emotional side of women and learn how they think. Often, if the relationship is healthy and the bond between parent and child strong, mutual growth and understanding occurs, both the mother and son become better people. Boundaries and communication abilities are established that sometimes a two parent family overlooks.

I know in my circle, some of the best young gentlemen where raised by single moms. What do you think?

The Decline of the Gentleman...

I recently wrote about the decline of the gentleman, since that time I have spoken to people about this decline and continue to wonder how it impacts us all. The breakdown exists on all levels, girlfriends to boyfriends, husbands to wives, parents to children and from the lack of societal expectations. As I said before some women have lowered their expectations and men have forgotten (or never new how in the first place as it may seem).

If my father would not have done these acts of being a gentleman and my mother would not have pointed them out to me, then I would have never known that I was missing something (because they do not show manners in movies these days). I realize that because I was expected to do these things and now I expect myself to always show up I expect the same from others, perhaps unfairly.

Now we lack this basic characteristic in many men, and there is no clear villain, there is just a breakdown in a transfer of values from one generation to another and a society that let them pass. My question is now: how do we fill this void, how do we teach so many men to step up, act courteous and be the men that women deserve? And how do we teach women that they are missing something?

Holding Space and Gaining Experience

How common is it to hold space for someone you care about? How many of us are really willing to let someone follow their heart when it takes them away from us?

Habits, routines and the simple joys of friendship are missed when people in our lives attend to their own growth as they pursue their desires for self-expression and adventure. Too often, we want to hold onto a relationship rather than hold space for it.

Frequently, a hostage situation occurs when one person's need for growth is to threatening and fearful to another. Gripping on to the relationship because of fear of change holds everyone hostage and ultimately, accomplishes nothing. Selfishly, we don't want to lose the time and experiences shared. When the person is significant to us, we miss them and feel their absence.

Yet, holding the space is a tangible sign of trust. I trust you to do what you need to do, I trust you to honor our relationship and I trust to you to come back and I trust that if you don't return it is for a good reason.

And, upon your return, so much new is added back into the rich soil of relationships providing new growth for all those connected in the web of friendship.

Holding the Space

I think that in life sometimes we forget how interconnected we are to each other. Whether it is within our families, our communities, our workplaces or just plainly the personal webs that subconsciously weave on a daily basis. These webs that we weave are with us always, even in our most intimate relationships. Even amongst two people, these connections tie us and bind us; whether it is children, family, friends, best friends or co-workers all our relationships are inter-connected. Our relationships ripple into the lives of friends, family, even the stranger on the bus. The ripple effect is easily forgotten, the person who you normally see on a daily basis in now regularly absent and their phone calls have ceased as well. It is so easy to forget that your actions or inactions radiate into other peoples lives. This is just one example, there are so many others of how we all connect, how we give and take.

For me, the best gift that was given was having friends hold my space in the world for me. Hopefully their wait was worth it and I am more educated, experienced and open to the world again.

Accept Less Instead of Expect More?

Ian, my friend, your wisdom weaves through piles of disappointments, stacked up by decades of wondering what happened to the greatness of a gentle "man". That quiet strength that holds the space for a woman to be her best self--thus reflecting the brightness of his best self.

I have to wonder why men and women are showing up to their relationships with their less than their best selves. Perhaps, the relationship we to have first is the relationship with ourself. Do women trust themselves to expect and get the best? Or, do we think this is as good as we can get? If so, at what age, what point in life, do we accept less instead of expect more?

I think too often, women are so afraid of being alone or maybe it is the dread shouldering the full responsibility of their lives whether as a student, career woman and/or parent, that we often end up accepting less than the best. Fear mixed with not thinking or knowing you deserve better might be at least a good starting point. Plus, we are just so good at making excuses for bad behavior.

Where are the expectations for men in a relationship?

Women should have the confidence to ask for a great man: a man who will dress well, open your car door or restaurant door for you, listen to you talk and hear what you are saying. I am not saying that men have dropped the ball, I am more saying that men have forgotten common courtesy and decent manners. As a man I can tell you that we have been let off the hook, there is no longer the expectation that we will come on a date acting as a gentleman, and when we do it is always a surprise. No one is holding us accountable for being a gentleman, and that is a shame because all women deserve to be swept off their feet and treated with great respect.