what happens when love is incompatible with life

What are the lessons in a relationship where the love is strong and amazing, yet there are circumstances that will forever keep the two people apart? Is it past relationships that have repercussions into the new relationship, is it age, is it distance?

I have recently felt this loss, where the love was incredible, yet the situation would never be one where we could be together. With the realization that things could never work, I think I broke my own heart.

I have a friend, her true love and father to her children lives apart from them in a once war torn country. They are separated by distance and duty, their daughters will never really know their father and perhaps she will never know another true love.

It is sad for me to know and experience these stories of love lost and I wonder:

What is the lesson and what is gained from our inability to experience that reciprocated love every day?

Holding the Space

I think that in life sometimes we forget how interconnected we are to each other. Whether it is within our families, our communities, our workplaces or just plainly the personal webs that subconsciously weave on a daily basis. These webs that we weave are with us always, even in our most intimate relationships. Even amongst two people, these connections tie us and bind us; whether it is children, family, friends, best friends or co-workers all our relationships are inter-connected. Our relationships ripple into the lives of friends, family, even the stranger on the bus. The ripple effect is easily forgotten, the person who you normally see on a daily basis in now regularly absent and their phone calls have ceased as well. It is so easy to forget that your actions or inactions radiate into other peoples lives. This is just one example, there are so many others of how we all connect, how we give and take.

For me, the best gift that was given was having friends hold my space in the world for me. Hopefully their wait was worth it and I am more educated, experienced and open to the world again.

Accept Less Instead of Expect More?

Ian, my friend, your wisdom weaves through piles of disappointments, stacked up by decades of wondering what happened to the greatness of a gentle "man". That quiet strength that holds the space for a woman to be her best self--thus reflecting the brightness of his best self.

I have to wonder why men and women are showing up to their relationships with their less than their best selves. Perhaps, the relationship we to have first is the relationship with ourself. Do women trust themselves to expect and get the best? Or, do we think this is as good as we can get? If so, at what age, what point in life, do we accept less instead of expect more?

I think too often, women are so afraid of being alone or maybe it is the dread shouldering the full responsibility of their lives whether as a student, career woman and/or parent, that we often end up accepting less than the best. Fear mixed with not thinking or knowing you deserve better might be at least a good starting point. Plus, we are just so good at making excuses for bad behavior.

Where are the expectations for men in a relationship?

Women should have the confidence to ask for a great man: a man who will dress well, open your car door or restaurant door for you, listen to you talk and hear what you are saying. I am not saying that men have dropped the ball, I am more saying that men have forgotten common courtesy and decent manners. As a man I can tell you that we have been let off the hook, there is no longer the expectation that we will come on a date acting as a gentleman, and when we do it is always a surprise. No one is holding us accountable for being a gentleman, and that is a shame because all women deserve to be swept off their feet and treated with great respect.