what happens when love is incompatible with life

What are the lessons in a relationship where the love is strong and amazing, yet there are circumstances that will forever keep the two people apart? Is it past relationships that have repercussions into the new relationship, is it age, is it distance?

I have recently felt this loss, where the love was incredible, yet the situation would never be one where we could be together. With the realization that things could never work, I think I broke my own heart.

I have a friend, her true love and father to her children lives apart from them in a once war torn country. They are separated by distance and duty, their daughters will never really know their father and perhaps she will never know another true love.

It is sad for me to know and experience these stories of love lost and I wonder:

What is the lesson and what is gained from our inability to experience that reciprocated love every day?

Do Men Teach Men to be Better Men or Do Women?

I would like to know what other folks think about this. In part, because as any individual, my observations are limited to the circle and the community I am a part of and that usually in some way reflects what I believe.

My personal observation is that women teach men about women. And, they teach them how to treat women from a very young age. I have noted in my circle that boys raised by single women often are better gentlemen. Because single moms often expect their sons to share in household responsibilities they are more comfortable doing things that were once, and in some cases, considered women's work.

Beyond these superficial aspects of household contributions, which are nonetheless important, without the buffer of a husband, a son sees how women respond to life's victories and its challenges. Single parenting isn't easy and these boys often grow up with an appreciation of women's contributions. They see the emotional side of women and learn how they think. Often, if the relationship is healthy and the bond between parent and child strong, mutual growth and understanding occurs, both the mother and son become better people. Boundaries and communication abilities are established that sometimes a two parent family overlooks.

I know in my circle, some of the best young gentlemen where raised by single moms. What do you think?

The Decline of the Gentleman...

I recently wrote about the decline of the gentleman, since that time I have spoken to people about this decline and continue to wonder how it impacts us all. The breakdown exists on all levels, girlfriends to boyfriends, husbands to wives, parents to children and from the lack of societal expectations. As I said before some women have lowered their expectations and men have forgotten (or never new how in the first place as it may seem).

If my father would not have done these acts of being a gentleman and my mother would not have pointed them out to me, then I would have never known that I was missing something (because they do not show manners in movies these days). I realize that because I was expected to do these things and now I expect myself to always show up I expect the same from others, perhaps unfairly.

Now we lack this basic characteristic in many men, and there is no clear villain, there is just a breakdown in a transfer of values from one generation to another and a society that let them pass. My question is now: how do we fill this void, how do we teach so many men to step up, act courteous and be the men that women deserve? And how do we teach women that they are missing something?

Holding Space and Gaining Experience

How common is it to hold space for someone you care about? How many of us are really willing to let someone follow their heart when it takes them away from us?

Habits, routines and the simple joys of friendship are missed when people in our lives attend to their own growth as they pursue their desires for self-expression and adventure. Too often, we want to hold onto a relationship rather than hold space for it.

Frequently, a hostage situation occurs when one person's need for growth is to threatening and fearful to another. Gripping on to the relationship because of fear of change holds everyone hostage and ultimately, accomplishes nothing. Selfishly, we don't want to lose the time and experiences shared. When the person is significant to us, we miss them and feel their absence.

Yet, holding the space is a tangible sign of trust. I trust you to do what you need to do, I trust you to honor our relationship and I trust to you to come back and I trust that if you don't return it is for a good reason.

And, upon your return, so much new is added back into the rich soil of relationships providing new growth for all those connected in the web of friendship.

Holding the Space

I think that in life sometimes we forget how interconnected we are to each other. Whether it is within our families, our communities, our workplaces or just plainly the personal webs that subconsciously weave on a daily basis. These webs that we weave are with us always, even in our most intimate relationships. Even amongst two people, these connections tie us and bind us; whether it is children, family, friends, best friends or co-workers all our relationships are inter-connected. Our relationships ripple into the lives of friends, family, even the stranger on the bus. The ripple effect is easily forgotten, the person who you normally see on a daily basis in now regularly absent and their phone calls have ceased as well. It is so easy to forget that your actions or inactions radiate into other peoples lives. This is just one example, there are so many others of how we all connect, how we give and take.

For me, the best gift that was given was having friends hold my space in the world for me. Hopefully their wait was worth it and I am more educated, experienced and open to the world again.

Accept Less Instead of Expect More?

Ian, my friend, your wisdom weaves through piles of disappointments, stacked up by decades of wondering what happened to the greatness of a gentle "man". That quiet strength that holds the space for a woman to be her best self--thus reflecting the brightness of his best self.

I have to wonder why men and women are showing up to their relationships with their less than their best selves. Perhaps, the relationship we to have first is the relationship with ourself. Do women trust themselves to expect and get the best? Or, do we think this is as good as we can get? If so, at what age, what point in life, do we accept less instead of expect more?

I think too often, women are so afraid of being alone or maybe it is the dread shouldering the full responsibility of their lives whether as a student, career woman and/or parent, that we often end up accepting less than the best. Fear mixed with not thinking or knowing you deserve better might be at least a good starting point. Plus, we are just so good at making excuses for bad behavior.

Where are the expectations for men in a relationship?

Women should have the confidence to ask for a great man: a man who will dress well, open your car door or restaurant door for you, listen to you talk and hear what you are saying. I am not saying that men have dropped the ball, I am more saying that men have forgotten common courtesy and decent manners. As a man I can tell you that we have been let off the hook, there is no longer the expectation that we will come on a date acting as a gentleman, and when we do it is always a surprise. No one is holding us accountable for being a gentleman, and that is a shame because all women deserve to be swept off their feet and treated with great respect.

What Will be Required of Us?

A smile. What I know is that I like smiles, genuine, open easy smiles. Laughter that dances off the lips of a great smile that changes a life in a moment of unexpected joy. Everyday, we are confronted with the choice of bitter or better. What will be required of us as we continue this theme of being a better human is looking for the better way. The better way to be a citizen, a friend, a neighbor and be better in all of our relationships.

As a woman of a certain age, which incidentally is a wonderful age, the years have often piled up a few tears. Women my age, often show up in life with baggage and feel they have nothing left to give...they gave it all way. To the job, to their children, to their boyfriend, husband or a cause they care about, but they forget themselves, leaving them empty...bitter or better?? Bitterness can take a big bite, so even if there isn't much left to give we need to find a smile deep down on that day when life seems overwhelming and give it to that person who seems to need that parking space a little more than we do.

And, perhaps, we just need to look in the mirror and instead of looking what we don't like--we look and see just how amazing we really are. That simple act can be the thing to set a chain of events is the better way, not the bitter way.

If I think I am amazing, I will probably see that you are incredible.

Three things of interest to think about this year.

First, electing a new president. If you as many of the voters in Iowa are facing today are not sure who you will vote for, here is a site to give you some assistance: Glassbooth

Second, global warming, not that you should give excessive thought to this subject, but if you are wavering check out this video (it will take ten minutes of your time): The Most Terrifying Video You'll Ever See

Third, as the previous posts talk about, here is a band out of Argentina that is asking their fans to volunteer a day of their time to help out an organization. Volunteering from unusual places

This year, let's ask the hard questions. What are we going to do to make things better? Whether that is making someones day better by paying their toll on the tollway, or shoveling a driveway, or even volunteering abroad. I know that sometimes I lose sight of how to help, always thinking about the perfect big way to help, in the process forgetting to hold the door open for the woman behind me. This is a time to make your impact; small, big, local or worldwide.

Simplicity

Ahhh, have we arrived at the time in our evolution when gift giving is not about going into debt to pay for things people really don't want or need. Perhaps, the Christ we seek to celebrate in the holidays is not found between the walls of the mall, but in the simple acts of kindness like your dad and mom have decided upon. Perhaps, a Christmas that is not just a single day event, but a commitment to build a network of support within a community...no expectations, no negotiations, no Christmas at a discount, no sale price on the hard work shoveling everyone's drive way by hand and back. An environmentally friendly gift and good exercise to boot!

My holiday gift was the caring for my daughter Mikelle. On Sunday, sharp pain began shooting up a muscle hugging the highway of her twisted spine. I went to her home to help sooth her discomfort, the help was temporary. The thought of an emergency room visit floated through my mind, like the snowflakes blanketing the ground outside, fear began to blanket my spirits.

And, so she came home with me, slept on my couch and proceeded to catch one heck of cold--she passed that on to me, a gift to slow me down so I could think about the new year.

But, the ultimate gift I receive from Mikelle is the courage it takes to live each day from a wheelchair and the gift I gave her was trust. She knew I would be there when she needed me, even though she has moved out, owns her own condo--there are just time when you need your mom.

You and I have nurtured the idea of new communities growing organically, it makes sense that Christmas would not reflect Christmas of old, but the simple unselfish gifts which no one told us to buy.